2003-12-24 2:14 p.m.
Dear random group of guys,
The girl who you found outside 42nd Street throwing up by herself last night would like to thank you. Thank you for looking after her, lending her your settee and not raping her while she slept. She's sorry if she was rude to you this morning, but she had no idea where the fuck she was, why she was there or how she had got there. By the way, she got her bag and phone back in the end, she didn't really lose them, she just left them in the cloak room at the club. She's sorry she didn't even have a coat and so had to borrow one of yours this morning, she would gladly return it to you, if only she knew who the fuck you were. She's also sorry if she sprayed any sick on your living room floor, she reckons she probably did too, seeing as it was all over her jeans.
Yours sincerely
An extremely hungover and quite possibly dead Carrie.
2003-12-23 1:34 p.m.
I'm dealing with this whole him being in Northern Ireland and me being here thing the only way I know how, by drinking too much and attempting to use other guys to stop me from being upset. I think my drunken twisted logic was that if I managed to pull this guy, the most gorgeous guy in the whole club as far as I could see, I'd be so pleased with myself that I'd forget about him for a day or two. In the end I got the guy, but didn't get everything I'd hoped would come along with it. He turned out to be a bit of a nob head anyway.
"Can I come back to yours?"
"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fuck you"
"Yes it does"
Needless to say I passed out alone, had an awful nightmare, and as soon as I woke up felt that I needed to talk to him. Only there's no answer and I'm terrified he's changed his mind. What do I do to try and make myself feel better? Attempt to arrange yet another drunken night out tonight, where the whole cycle is bound to repeat itself.
I guess I just have trouble believing that I'm worth something and that people actually like me. Last night two guys I know from Rockworld went to 5th Ave for the first time ever, just because I was going. I was absolutely dumbfounded, I never expected them to turn up. They ring me up, text me and ask me on nights out yet I really have no idea why. I suppose this is the result of years of bullying and then a year and a half of pretending to be someone else and being told that the 'old me' wasn't a very nice person.
I know that if I somehow manage to start believing in myself the rest will sort itself out, but I cant see that happening any time soon.
embryo-
carcass
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