2003-12-21 10:44 p.m.
Last night's social gathering type thing ended up being just me and Glynn, with John and Ste occasionally phoning from the pub promising to be there in half an hour. It was nice though, I drank almost a full bottle of Baileys and felt like a bit of an alcoholic as he sat and watched and we talked through things, things which I needed to get out but I'm too scared to admit to anyone at university.
I drunkenly texted almost everyone in my phone book before making a swift exit once Glynn casually dropped into the conversation that he still has feelings for me. I can't handle it when guys are really nice to me just because they fancy me, it makes me feel kind of guilty letting them carry on when I know I'm never going to feel the same way back. And Glynn is kind of pathetic puppy dog nice to me. Ugh.
Came home and ate lots of Doritos while watching Red Dwarf before passing out. All in all it was a nice night, and I managed to avoid a hangover by sleeping in until 2 this afternoon. I've not really done anything all day, except panic about this essay I have to do and missed the lectures for. Remember the critical analysis of doom? Well this essay is from the same unit, although twice as long and about a million times more difficult. It's my own fault I suppose, I mean, I dont make things easy for myself do I? It wasn't exactly easy for me to attend though, it was either stay in bed till 9pm having sex, sleeping, watching Road Trip and be waited on hand and foot, or get up in the freezing cold with a raging comedown and learn. I'll be more responsable next term, I promise.
2003-12-20 4:03 p.m.
The last ever Shed Seven gig in Manchester last night rocked more than anything has ever rocked before. I laughed, I cried, I danced, then I got horrifically drunk and got into an arguement with a bouncer at Rockworld. Good times.
Was rudely awakened at the ridiculous time of 1.15pm by a phone call, during which I discovered that I cant actually speak at all any more. In fact I think I'm dying. But it's not like me to let illness get in the way of alcohol related antics and so I am going round to my friend's house later to sit and get drunk with a group of four guys, all of whom I've known for years but haven't seen in months. Sounds like a plan to me.
I should really probably stay in tonight but I'm just so down at the moment, three weeks keeps repeating itself over and over in my head, I keep randomly bursting into tears and keep waking up after passing out drunk cuddling his hoodie and clutching his key ring in my hand. It feels like weeks since I last saw him, but it was only two days ago.
Meh, I'll stop now because I'm beginning to disgust myself.
2003-12-18 5:47 p.m.
Just fucking typical, Anto and I spend two months messing around, the only people who can't see that we'd be stupid not to be together, I spend most of my weekends at home just to get away from him and the whole situation, and what do we go and do? Decide three days before we break up for three weeks that we want to be together.
It was freezing cold, but I wanted the walk to the bus stop to last forever and hoped that the bus would never come. But of course it did and soon he'll be on a plane back to Ireland. He made me promise not to be sad but I sobbed and sobbed on my way back to Uni, partly because I'm sad and partly because I'm so overwhelmed by the way he makes me feel. I dont want to have to sleep alone tonight, or wake up tomorrow without him lying next to me. I dont want to get drunk without him being there for me to kiss. I dont want to go to Rockworld knowing that he's hundreds of miles and a plane journey away, rather than 45 minutes in a car, so he wont be there to nurse me through my comedown. I dont particularly want to go to the pub kareoke night at The Dev tonight without him*.
I feel like I'm taking a huge gamble with this. He's my best friend and as much as we reassure each other we'll stay friends if everything goes pear shaped, it never works out that way. I reckon he's well worth it though.
*This may be a lie.
2003-12-13 12:25 p.m.
When my alarm went off at the crack of dawn, the middle of the night practically, well, 10am anyway, I thought about all the things I'm supposed to do today and wept slightly. All I want to do is go out with Angee and Katy and get fucked up tonight, but there are so many things standing in my way first. I solved half of this problem by rolling over and going back to sleep. Excellent tactics there, making it so that I actually really dont have time to do everything I should be doing. So that's the first visit for my child study I was supposed to make today out of the way. Now all that's getting in my way are the writing assignments I'm supposed to have done for Wednesday.
I love writing, absolutely adore it. But somehow University, and the knowledge that I have to do it make me absolutely despise it. Knowing that I have to pull something out of the air right there and then or else puts the fear of God into me. I'm about to start a piece about a woman who discovers her father's body after it has lay rotting away for a few weeks, I think. I exzpect my tutor may worry about me slightly as one of the pieces for the last assignment was about a girl who discovers she is related to Albert Fish.
I want to write something powerful and emotional, the same sort of thing that enfuriatingly seems to come natrually to a select few in my writing class. But seeing as I've left it until four days before to start, and I have two big nights out planned during that time, I dont think there's much chance of me coming up with anything, do you?
embryo-
carcass
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