2003-10-25 5:56 p.m.
My first mistake was deciding it was a good idea to take acid in Rockworld last night. My second was to decide an hour and a half in that my tab hadn't done enough and I needed another. The result? A very confused Carrie indeed, sat in the corridor staring at the patterns on her jeans, telling people not to talk to her because she's too confused.
I suppose it didn't help that I decided to make it my mission to find someone who actually cared that Shed Seven have split up. Not only did I find somone who cared, but I also found someone from Poet's Corner, who supported them on their last tour. This then resulted in me wandering around trying to tell people but being too confused and just coming out with stuff like "that guy has messed my head up...ugh". I tried to phone Anto because I thought he might care but he wasn't awake luckily. I' already had enough trouble phoning him earlier on, he was texting me telling me he missed me (amongst other things) and I was too mashed to reply, and he sent more messages asking if I'd upset him.
Anyway, came home, passed out, woke up and cried over Shed Seven a bit (no really), watched Identity amd wish like hell that Anto was here. This is not a good thing as the whole point of this weekend was to get away from the whole situation to try and forget about it for a bit, but not seeing him is just making me miss him. This is not good, not good at all.
Oh, and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with this entry but I'm not going to censor myself anymore and pretend to be someone I'm not. The sort of people who judge me are not the sort of people I want in my life anyway.
2003-10-24 5:50 p.m.
Ah home, the place where there are clean dishes and I can go on the internet in my pyjamas. It's good to be back.
I'm not really doing much with myself this weekend, I came back to get away from things more than anything else. I'm kind of regretting it now because if I was at Uni I'd be having a night in with Anto tonight, but I suppose that is exactly why I needed to get away, especially now he's just texted me telling me he might leave at Christmas. I feel like I've been slapped in the face. Anto is like my best friend there and I'll cry lots and lots of he leaves :o( I've already had one friend leave and that was bad enough, and he lives in Manchester too. It's not like Belfast is just around the corner and if he left I'd probably never see him again.
Fuck, all of this on top of finding out that Shed Seven are splitting up. It might be easier if anyone actually cared as much as I do, Glynn pretended to but it's jut not the same. I'm seeing Glynn and John tonight, actually. Damn I'm excited, just because they're not part of the uni more than anything else I think.
Anyway, I have to go now and panic about the fact I dont have a black bra at home to wear under my new mesh top and things.
2003-10-24 11:07 a.m.
Wednesday night consisted of half watching Clerks with Anto and deciding halfway through that we couldn't really be bothered and kissing and cuddling instead. Last night consisted of getting extremely drunk at a karaoke night at a local pub, the highlight of the week around here, meeting Gary's girlfriend (fortunately I was too drunk for it to be awkward), oh and spending the night with Anto, again. Only this time he's completely fucked my head up by asking me to be with him when he was drunk, then telling me this morning that he doesn't remember much about last night. Well fuck him then. Tonight I'm either going to get drunk with Gary and his mates (one of which Anto hates, because we keep very nearly getting off with each other. Good.) or go home, because Craig might have acid.
I’m officially completely fucking fucked off and I want to go home.
2003-10-22 6:25 p.m.
No matter how much I think logically about it and tell myself that it’s the best thing all round, I don’t think this just being friends thing is going to work. As soon as either of us gets a pint down us just being friends goes completely out of the window and we end up lying in bed together. Over the past four nights he’s stayed over for three, and no we haven’t really done anything more than kiss, which is what is messing my head up so much I think.
This afternoon he walked into town with me just to carry my shopping home and gave me his coat because it was pissing it down, but we were just hanging around as friends and I don’t want to lose that. But he is coming round on Friday and staying over and we’ve both hinted that we want stuff to happen, and this makes me very excited indeed. Bollocks, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m going watching a video with him tonight and I’m determined nothing will happen, just to prove to myself that I can do it.
In other news, I’ve completely fucked up one of my teeth and quite amusingly none of the two dentists in ‘town’ (which is actually just a few shops and things) are taking on new patients. The receptionist really helpfully gave me the name of a dentist in Congleton, which is fucking miles away and ‘a nightmare to get to’, according to her. I think perhaps she was slightly insane. God, why the fuck did I choose to go to a Uni in the middle of nowhere? The novelty of living somewhere similar to Royston Vasey wore off after three minutes and now I’m completely fucking sick of it. Of course there’s the disco at the student’s union tonight but it finishes at 11 anyway and besides, I’ve been out drinking six days in a row now because this place is so fucking depressing it’s turning me into an alcoholic. It’s turning everyone into an alcoholic because there’s nothing to do besides sitting around in the halls drinking. I hope it’s not just me, anyway.
2003-10-21 4:15 p.m.
’I reckon we’ll be OK as long as we don’t get drunk together’ Who was I trying to kid? Turned out all it took was for me to get drunk, him slightly drunk and the knowledge that we were within walking distance of each other. Mobile phones are bad, bad things. My head is now completely messed up and I have no idea what I should do.
You think it’ll be OK if you don’t have sex? Don’t kid yourself, I’ve found out that sitting up all night talking can fuck you up more than any great sex possibly could. But maybe it’s not just the fact we stayed up all night talking, maybe it’s just him in general, the way he makes me laugh and finds the stupid things that I laugh at but nobody else ever does funny. We’ve only known each other for a few days and already we have in jokes that anyone else would find pathetic. Or maybe it’s the fact that he does things for me like walking a mile into town just to carry my shopping (i.e beer) home for me.
I can’t imagine finding anyone else here I feel so comfortable with, and never expected to before I met him, and I don’t want to lose that. But it seems like maybe it’s too late, doesn’t it? Maybe I already have.
2003-10-20 12:51 p.m.
I don’t know why I let my guard down this time, maybe it was God paying me back for hurting so many people over the last few weeks? Maybe I’ve learned my lesson now because I know how it feels. It’s fine when you’re the person who isn’t really bothered about the other one, but it hurts like fuck if you actually care.
Even if he was interested it’d be an extremely stupid thing to do. I’m barely able to handle being friends with the guy after a couple of days with him, so what would I be like if we actually went out together and broke up? At the moment I can see no advantages in living in such a small community, everyone knowing everyone else’s business. It’s all very incestuous and there is nowhere to hide.
There hardly seems any point in telling you his name because knowing me and my life as it is now there will be another one along in a few days, that’s what I keep telling myself to try and make it hurt less anyway. But his name is Anto, and unfortunately he’s the person I’ve clicked with most since I’ve been here, the one I feel most comfortable with, who makes me laugh the most and tells me he loves spending time with me too.
So I’m going to have a crack at this being a mature adult about it thing and I’m going to do my best to be friends with him. I reckon we’ll be Ok just as long as we don’t get drunk together, and you never know, I might actually learn something from all of this.
embryo-
carcass
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